Life. Bring it.

Current Mood: contemplative

• Bought my first brand-new new car.
• Escaped the slavepits of my old job, and moved on to non-slavepit job.
• Lost a very close friend.
• Gained a few pals.
• Built a new desktop PC.
• Caved in and got a cell phone.
• Coached a first-class drill team. (National Champions - Standard Drill)
• Failed to buy a sub-notebook or otherwise-cheap laptop.
• Assumed the deputy commander role (significant promotion) at my old unit.
• Touched something that had been to the moon.
• Made some, slow, progress on 3 creative projects I've had back-burner for a couple of years.
• Finally got my degree (the actual diploma itself, not just the "congrats!" email from the school).

Current Location: Desk
Current Mood: restless
Current Music: E-Type: Camilla

So, some recent discussions I've had with my friend Meridith have resurfaced a lot of old feelings and thoughts for me. Stuff I had moved past and “dealt with” is once again at the surface, and I've reflected more then I usually like too. It's been obvious to me for quite some time that I have a communication problem. From talking to some of my other friends, it seems that I'm far from alone in this particular difficulty. I feet the need to rant, and this is pretty much my only outlet these days. This isn't directed at anyone specifically, and is an amalgamation of many experiences over many years (some my own, many those of others). A good number of my friends confide relationship stuff in me, and I've referenced some of it (indirectly) here; please don't hate me. This also isn't a gripefest from a lonely guy, but more a collection of observations and lessons-learned.

Miscommunication is easily one of the single biggest problems men have in our dealings with women. The eternal struggle, if you will, of trying to come across as caring but not creepy, and sincere but not obsessed. This is compounded by the problem that women rarely, if ever, communicate back (or at least, not obviously enough).

This miscommunication is wide in scope. Not only do we often simply “say the wrong thing” without thinking about how it's going to sound, but we very often fail to “get the hint” or read nonverbal signals correctly. I've read about studies confirming this, but it's more complex then some would think.

Often times, guys are not really sure about their feelings. It takes time for a guy to realize they have feelings for a gal. Sometimes it's complicated. She's not single, she's a coworker or professional contact, she's the sister/cousin/etc of a guy-friend, and all manner of other sillyness. So we face a dillema, do we say nothing and wonder later what might have been, or do we speak up and risk causing problems in other areas. I've killed business relationships and friendships in the past by making the mistake of asking a gal out on a date, or asking the wrong way.

Other times we are sure, to varying degrees. You can know a gal and figure “I'd like to date her”. What do you do about it? See previous issue. So let's say for a minute we do speak up, and let's go out on a limb and say that the gal agrees to go out on a date with us. What now?

Women almost never give guys a clear signal (clear to us) on minor crap like if it's ok to try and kiss her on the first date, if she expects flowers, and that sort of thing. Sorry ladies, but little things like flipping your bangs with your hand, foot contact, or fiddling with a ring/necklace/etc are -NOT- clear signals for a guy. Forgive us for being so awkward sometimes, but believe me – it isn't entirely our fault.

The problem is worse if the feelings/enthusiasm is lopsided or one-sided. How do you tell a gal that you love her without sounding creepy (or worse, insincere) about it, if she doesn't already suspect it or share some level of affection in return? You can't. If the woman wants you to love her, all is well (mostly, we'll get to that later) but if she doesn't want you to, or if the timing sucks, then load up on failsauce. Allow me to elaborate.

Any interpersonal action is received differently based on the frame of mind of the receiver. This is doubly so with romantic/sexual gestures, which compounds the problem men have with not reading signals properly. Example; flowers. A woman gets a bouquet of flowers from two men in the same week. Man A is a close friend who she has a little bit of a crush on, and Man B is a co-worker she knows quite well but does not have (or maybe, does not want to have) any romantic intentions towards. The flowers from Man A are received with a smile, and a general reaction of “Awww, how sweet!” and the flowers from Man B are received with a raised eyebrow, and a general reaction of “Hmm .. kindof creepy ..”. A more concrete example of the flowers scenario is a friend of mine who casually mentioned at one point that she hated getting flowers from men. She felt it was a silly wasted gesture, and that killing a plant to make a gift to her was almost insulting in its lack of thought. I don't send women flowers, so we shared some laughs/sentiments about it. So time passes, and later it gets casually mentioned that her current boyfriend sent her flowers. The reaction? “Awww, how sweet!” despite previously stating rather clearly that she didn't like getting flowers. She was pre-disposed to interpret gestures from the boyfriend as being “sweet”, and so that is how the flowers were received. Had she got flowers from someone else, for the same occasion, it's highly likely the reaction would have been different entirely.

That being said, there are situations where you simply cannot win. The vast majority of the time, if a woman has known you for a while and is not interested in you romantically, there isnt anything YOU can do to change it. The only way such feelings would ever develop is if she wanted them too, which if you have a nice stable friendship is unlikely as she won't want to interfere with the freindship. This is a common failure of many men, to think that simply “being a good friend” will automatically grow into a romantic connection. Simply untrue.

All of this is made even worse if the man is in love, or otherwise has overly strong feelings towards the woman. Men are often highly skilled at saying things using phraseology which comes out poorly, as most women well realize. For example, lets say that a guy wanted to tell a woman he has feelings like “I love you, and want to have a family with you someday.” the first problem is situational ; is it his girlfriend? Is she pre-disposed to receive that statement in a positive light (Awww, how sweet!) or is she going to be worried by it ( .. hmm .. kindof creepy ..) and react accordingly probably by growing distant and almost always never effectively communicating to the guy what her thoughts/intentions/etc are.

This can sometimes be compounded even worse. Many times, women fail to see that a guy “gets” them and understands what makes her tick. If, and it's a big if, the guy realizes this – how does he communicate it? It crosses the awkward line to simply say “I know what you want long term out of life, I want the same thing and we're a good fit”. It crosses the awkward line to simply say “I understand why you always wear turtlenecks/plaid/skirts/funnyhats/whatever, and I want to help you feel fulfilled”. It crosses the awkward line to simply say “I care about you and want to give you the type of stability/relationship/argyle-socks/etc that you want”. What's worse, is that its almost impossible to communicate these kinds of things without coming across as creepy/seedy (see previous discussions) or worse of all – as insincere. If the woman is not pre-disposed to take what you tell her in a positive light, chances are high that she'll think you're this “Nice Guy” loser or otherwise do not have her best interests at heart. Epic Fail.

So, let's shift gears. Let's say for a moment that you have a good friendship with the gal. You have some shared romantic interests that may-or-may-not be “out in the open” yet. What to do? The problem with this situation is that while there is great potential for things to work out well, there's also equally great potential for things to be a miserable failure and end up ruining an otherwise strong friendship/relationship. Say too much, too soon, and you'll ruin everything. It took you years to build a nice strong friendship with her, but if she hears that all along (or even, just for the last X months/years) that you've had romantic feelings for her the whole time, get ready for a let-down. This is a surefire way to make her feel like the friendship was a facade to “get in her pants” or make her feel like your friendship has been cheapened or something – as if you were only her friend for hopes of romantic/sexual prospects in the future. Regardless of if this is true or not, the damage is done. Epic Fail.

The worst part of all of this, is that the vast majority of the time, there is no obvious feedback from women as to how they are receiving any of this. They don't tell us clearly “I'm happy you care about me enough to just randomly ask how my day was” or “it's a bit creepy that you're stalking me asking me what's up every day”. This lack of feedback is particularly troublesome in the second case, since the guy will very likely continue the behavior, digging a hole deeper, because he doesn't know it is being received differently then intended. Then a year later, when she doesn't return your calls, never talks to you anymore, stops making plans with you, and doesn't answer your emails – all without ever telling you anything was wrong .... it will sink in, and you'll hate her for it. Almost as much as you'll hate yourself for letting it get that bad and losing a friend. You will still feel all the good stuff for her, and once you realize it was your own miscommunication that ruined your friendship, it will burn you every day for the rest of your life. Epic Fail.

So what to do? All the crap I mentioned above causes problems for both men AND women. I won't claim to be an expert on such things, just a guy with some opinions, but here's my take on what we can do to help:

Men: STFU. Seriously, SHUT THE FUCK UP! You need to realize that women will usually NOT give you clear feedback. Accept it. Act accordingly. Don't say anything unless you are 100% sure that it's worth the risk of her taking it entirely backwards. A sincere, though out, gesture of caring and kindness can very easily be taken as a sign to her that you're some predator out for her undies. Women will usually not tell you if you are digging your own grave, and its rarely obvious if they aren't interested. They won't even realize that they are leading you on, and wouldn't see it that way anyway. But they are, and it is. It isn't their fault that they don't know it. If she has a boyfriend, say NOTHING negative about him. Even if she confides problems in you. If she isn't happy, she knows it already and doesn't need you to reminder her – and unless she tells you directly, don't assume she wants to replace him. Just listen and be sympathetic, offer ways she can fix things and be happy, not ways she can run to you instead. You don't need to get romantic or sexual to have a very fulfilling mutual connection/relationship with someone.

Women: Open your damned mouths now and then, and speak up! You aren't a slut if you tell a guy you are interested. If you aren't interested, the guy is going to think you're a bitch no matter what, so lessen the blow and just tell him up front. Unless you intend to follow-through and give him a chance/date/whatever, you need to tell him in plain English “I'd rather not get romantic.” and avoid confusion. If he can't be mature about it, you can't fix that. Don't use phraseology like “I'd rather not get romantic right now” or “this isn't a good time for me” - He won't get the hint, and will wait... and wait... and when it finally sinks in, he'll resent you for leading him on. Yes, this is exactly what you were doing. If you ARE interested, TELL HIM! Don't let it slip by, since he probably is clueless about your feelings towards him unless you come out and tell him plainly.

Both: Don't punish people for trying to communicate. Give them the respect they deserve and provide some nice simple feedback. If what they say sounds good to you, make that clear. If it sounds bad, tell them politely in a way that doesn't make them think there's a chance if they wait six months. Saying nothing (in response to romantic/emotional gestures) is never the correct response.

Just some random thoughts/opinions/etc. Feel free to tell me how much of a moron I am.

Current Mood: contemplative

• Small (dont care about weight, just thinking size) / portable.
• At least an hour of battery life.
• Ability to read PDF, ODF, and HTML documents.
• RJ-45 Ethernet for internet connectivity.
• USB port(s).
• Cheap, under $400 -max-